Port-A-Politics: Tips For Surviving The Festival Restroom Run

The seedy underbelly of Festival Life…

You would think that in 2015 we’d have more options than a glorified outhouse. Hovercrafts, leisure space travel, and 3-D printing are all real, tangible things nowadays…but somehow we still have to pee and poop in open public bins at events with large crowds.

Personally, I’d rather take a squat behind a large tree or in a thick patch of bushes than handle my natural, necessary business inside a plastic outhouse that was used by hundreds of strangers with unverifiable hygiene practices before my arrival.

But alas, this is par for the course of Festival Life. Flip the following pages to see some tips and tricks to help you survive the dreaded trip to the Port-o-John that you’ll inevitably have to make during the course of your Festival day…

1. Go Girl

Ever wonder why men don’t get nearly as emotional about having to use the port-o-potty as us ladies? Nope, because you already know: they don’t have to sit or squat when they handle their issues. Well, with this little device, all that has changed.

This works basically how you think it would. But in case you still can’t quite catch it from the photo:

Basically, it serves as a faux-peen to let you stand up when you pee like a boy — and avoid all the BS that comes with the lady-curse of having to squat over an open sh*thole inside a port-o-potty. So you can basically touch nothing. It’s reusable, so you do have to keep this little pee-soaked silicone thing on your person…but it comes with a resealable carrier and is easily washed clean with soap and water…which I would argue is far better than the alternative. Grab yours HERE.

2.Personal Cleansing Cloths

Thankfully, nowadays most of these “bathrooms” secure toilet paper dispensers inside. But be honest…are you really excited to use toilet paper that’s been wilting inside a hot, enclosed space next to an open trough of human waste? I didn’t really think so.

Thankfully, brands like Summer’s Eve make these to-go packs of personal wipes that save not just the day, but your lady bits.

With these cleansing cloths, not only will you feel much cleaner and fresher just anyway (and smell like a Mango Blossom or Coconut Water splash), you’ll further avoid touching things inside the sh*t closet you’re forced to use at these festivals…

3. Hand Sanitizing Gel/Spray.

This one is self-explanatory. Yes the poop-traps have some sort of “sterile” hand-cleanser in them now…but do you trust it? No, you don’t. Pack your own hand cleanser if nothing more than for peace of mind.

Spray has less pop-open-and-spill-out-all-over-your-stuff capability, and is quick-drying and easy to whip out throughgout the day before you eat and whatnot as well.

Living in NY, I personally douse myself in this stuff daily as it is, so it’s second nature for me to have it on me. But I always make sure to stock up on it double-time on my way to a festival. Who wants everyone’s germs?

4. Just Find A Better Bathroom Option. Seriously.

Now granted, all the prior advice points have been to help save you in an emergency pee situation. If you have to go #2…then may God himself be with you. I can’t even begin to provide you with a solution to what horrors await you if you dare to actually rest on the seat in a port-o-potty.

You may have more luck if you happen to run up on one of these trailer toilets a lot of the festivals have adopted in recent year. Unfortunately for most, often times these are only located in VIP areas, press areas, and other “special pass” sections of the grounds. So unless you’ve got access, sometimes you’re sh*t out of luck on these — literally.

Happy pottying…I guess.

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